Finding the Words: How to Write a Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is a profound act of love. It is one of the most personal and emotional tasks many of us will ever face. When a loved one passes away, the pressure to find the right words to honour their life can feel immense, especially when you are navigating your own grief.

While our 9-step guide on what to do after a death covers the many practical tasks, this article focuses on one of the most personal: honouring their memory with a eulogy. If you're struggling with where to begin, this gentle guide will walk you through the process, step by step.

What Is a Eulogy, Really?

A eulogy is more than just a speech; it's a shared moment of remembrance. It’s an opportunity to celebrate a life well-lived, to share cherished memories that bring comfort, and to offer solace to everyone who is grieving. Whether spoken at a funeral service, a memorial, or a private gathering, a heartfelt eulogy weaves a thread of connection through shared loss.

If the deceased had a pre-paid funeral plan or left instructions, they may have expressed wishes about who should speak or what stories they'd like told. Honouring these wishes can be a beautiful final gift.

Step 1: Gather the Stories and Memories

When emotions are high, a blank page can feel intimidating. Don't try to write the eulogy just yet. Instead, simply start by gathering the building blocks: the memories. Begin by reflecting on a few questions:

• What is the first happy memory that comes to mind?

• What’s a funny story that perfectly captures their sense of humour?

• What was their proudest accomplishment, big or small?

• What is a small, everyday thing you will miss most about them?

• What values or lessons did they teach you, either through their words or their actions?

Reach out to family and friends and ask for their favourite stories. Look through old photos, letters, or social media messages. These small, specific moments are the heart of a meaningful tribute.

Step 2: Choose a Theme and a Simple Structure

A eulogy doesn't need to be a formal biography. In fact, the most moving tributes are often focused and brief. A simple structure will help you deliver your words with clarity and impact. Most eulogies last between 3 and 5 minutes.

Consider one of these simple themes:

• A Thematic Tribute: Focus on a single quality that defined them—their kindness, their infectious laugh, their quiet strength, their sense of adventure.

• A Collection of Stories: Weave together two or three short anecdotes that show different sides of their personality.

• A Chronological Journey: Briefly touch on key moments in their life, from childhood to their later years, showing how they grew and who they became.

No matter which you choose, a good structure is:

• Introduction: Welcome everyone, introduce yourself, and state your relationship to the deceased.

• The Body: Share your chosen stories and memories.

• Conclusion: End with a final, loving thought, a short poem, or a simple goodbye.

Step 3: Writing Your Tribute

With your stories and structure in mind, begin writing. Don't strive for perfection; strive for honesty.

• Write as you speak. Use simple, natural language.

• It’s okay to include humour. Laughter and tears are both part of remembrance. Sharing a lighthearted, happy memory can bring immense comfort.

• Acknowledge your emotions. It is powerful to say something like, "It’s impossible to sum up a lifetime of love, but here are a few things I’ll cherish forever."

If words still feel impossible, remember that you don't have to create them all from scratch. It is perfectly acceptable to read a poem, a passage from a book they loved, or a meaningful quote that reflects their spirit.

Step 4: Practice and Prepare for Delivery

The key to delivering a eulogy when emotions are running high is preparation.

• Read it aloud several times. This helps you catch any phrases that feel unnatural.

• Time yourself. Aim for that 3-5 minute window.

• Print it out. Use a large, easy-to-read font, and have a glass of water nearby.

• Choose a backup. Ask a friend or the officiant if they would be willing to step in and read it for you if you feel unable to continue. There is no shame in this; it's a sign of foresight and care.

Speak slowly, breathe, and pause when you need to. No one expects a flawless performance. Even if your voice breaks, that's okay. Funerals are about love, not performance.

A Final Thought on Your Act of Love

Writing and delivering a eulogy is not about finding perfect words; it’s about showing up with love. Your presence, your effort, and your willingness to share a piece of your heart is a beautiful and generous tribute. It will bring comfort to you and to everyone there to honour a life that mattered deeply.

Additional Support for Grief & Bereavement

Grief doesn't end when the funeral is over. It's a journey, and you don't have to walk it alone. If you need support, CruseBereavement Support offers free, confidential counselling and resources to help you navigate this difficult time.